7 months into 2010… looking back at ’09

July 16th, 2010

no way jose,

not in any way, shape, form, flow, or feeling…

no matter how you shape it, shake it, even bake it, it always comes back to 2009 was just an INSANE year…… on pretty much every level, though certainly not on every level.  But so many of the big ones – close friend & neighbor dying after a feisty, fierce, sometimes funny but mostly heart wrenchingly Fellini film-like unfolding; workload going from best-ever to slower than molasses; blended family issues galore; and the list goes on and on.  Really too bizarre to even remember them all much less take the precious time to write them down, and then maybe even share them far and wide, in the world-wide kinda way that blogging seems to be.

And then, when I realize this is just a piece, I mean even just a little piece, of EVERYTHING (sorry for using so many CAPS… last time, I promise) that’s going on, in pretty much every facet of life – family (all sides of it), work, life, balance (or lack of), the WORLD (I’m not even going to apologize for that one, but it will, really, it will, be, the last cap).

So what’s it all about (Alfie!), before we get to our last stop???

This insanely out of control year, 2009, and now, after a half year’s time of reflecting on all of that…

Nothing to do but move into a different mode.  Back to self.  Trying to be conscious of how hard it’ll be to keep the little kid in me from freaking out and not get lost in my Judeo-Christian  guilt and shame, for just wanting to take care of myself, and not struggle so much.  The struggle of not getting it right, so many times, and still, not always getting it right. Especially in times of crisis.  Craziness.  Feeling like the world is spinning around so fast it like ta knock me on my tushy. And can’t do nothin’ bout it.

And that is why I have regressed to my total kid self, selfishness and all, while at the exact same time feeling older than dirt.  And we’re talking ancient dirt here.  Not what’s been sittin at your feet the past two weeks, building fur ball boulders (one big dog and four cats later, and two of those cats are huge Maine coons).

Not that kind of dirt.

Primordial.

Fully universal.

And present … fully present.  Not every exact moment, but most of the time.

That’s the trick.  Staying present… no matter what.

What helps you stay present?