Radically candid endings…

September 11th, 2018

Recently I found myself at a crossroad.  Committed to a relationship with an organization that fed my soul in many ways, and, had a severely dysfunctional component.  When to persevere?  When to call it codependent and move on for the health of all involved?

If you’ve ever found yourself at just such an intersection, you may have felt the same combination as I had, of approach avoidance, mixed with some trembling inner fear, then deeper grappling with the compassion/codependence conundrum, followed by (hopefully!) a decision to end it with grace, clarity and dignity for all.

That last part was the toughest for me to navigate.   Though the approach avoidance and inner fear thing was no walk in the park either.  In fact all of it was difficult, disorienting and emotionally exhausting.  How would I arrive at a place where grace and dignity won over blame and shame?

Thankfully, I had lots of help from the people closest to me; checking me for clarity, directly confronting me when I shifted back into the drama and holding me accountable to my core values. I had valuable tools and resources that helped as well.

How do we get ourselves back onto the high road, away from blaming others?  How do we divorce ourselves from the drama that so easily can shift the focus from us to ‘them’; especially if we don’t have close loved ones for that kind of support?

For starters I often turn to my ‘virtual mentors’.  Brené Brown. Jon Kabat-Zinn.  Tim Ferris.  Kim Scott, to name a few.

Brené Brown has written and spoken extensively on Shame and Blame.  We all tend towards this space, especially when we’re exhausted and feeling beaten down.  I don’t know about you but it’s much easier for me to blame someone else than to face my fears head on.

In addition to Brené’s work there’s the whole field of Appreciative Inquiry, Kim Scott’s model of Radical Candor, the Harvard Negotiation’s system of Difficult Conversations and the general practice of Mindfulness.  These are all excellent resources for navigating the drama-filled waters of difficult change, and difficult decisions.

I love the summer!  It’s hard to see it slipping away.  Another radically candid ending.  Time to gear up for fall/winter, time to remember to commit even more deeply to my mindfulness practice.

I hope your summer ends well, and your way to mindfulness helps.  Follow the links above if you’re interested in digging deeper.

All my best,

Peter